update

suppose that last was a poor note to leave out in the world as a final thought.


I've realize how much impact the last 6 years have had -- a lot of life changes that show up on stress chart of life stressors -- changed town, changed most everyone I know, loss of 2 aunts and an uncle, health scares with a few more (4 living on oxygen and 3 with cancer), death of a career, moving from another forever home, contact from a former stalker that knocked me for a loop, death of 2 pets and a parent and 2 grandparents, post career change depression. I'm still reeling from one concussive impact when the next arrives. I've gained 40 pounds over the decade and cardio now officially sucks.

and yet there's been good. I can think of 5 people whose hand on back or shoulder or whose hug at critical times held me together with weeks worth of glue in just a few seconds or minutes. 

my inner talk is better. my body is treating me better, injuries healing and, unforeseeably, arthritis being less even though winter cold would normally increase creakiness. I am absorbed in many projects. home life hasn't been this good for 15 years. 

I have a wider social network and on the strength of time accrued. i have some sense that I can say some things without being left at the curb. and if I am left at the curb, socially, it will heal or it won't, but its out of my control. their loss and I can make my way.

my sense of self-reliance is higher. i don't try to please others as I had, believing the fundamental flakiness that rules most time and that I can only care about people to the degree I do. I can't stop being fond of someone nor start. how they feel is their domain that I can't impact. and feelings are overrated. thinking is overrated. actions matter and effect not intent. we are in a vat of ignorance and fragile tough ragdolls, all.

this is the first year in memory that I've not waited for something exponentially better around the curb, or else sweet death. out of the mire is a life wish. breaking clear of romanticism is humbler what is. 

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pattern, thought

when all I can think about is drinking a homeopathic-scale dose lets me move on. when I can only think about sex, porn doesn't help at all.

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source check

not that the internetz sez is authoratively conclusive but kicking around in my head under where'd that come from was this idea:

American science fiction writer and founder of the Church of Scientology L. Ron Hubbard uses his Hubbard Electrometer to determine whether tomatoes experience pain, 1968. His work led him to the conclusion that tomatoes "scream when sliced."

no? really? Hubbard huh?
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linking up

ok, I'm tentatively back. I have a new keyboard. typing is a bit odd. I keep hitting keys I don't expect but it should help the whole tendonitis of hands thing.




saw this inverse of paradigm of rape responsibility
http://www.realadultsex.com/archives/2009/09/shayne-austins-cool-inversion-of-the-usual-victim-.html
humourous and accurate

and here, also from Figleaf is most memorable kisses
http://thewomenscolony.com/bedroom/2009/9/13/the-g-spot-five-kisses-by-kizz.html
wonder if I could write of the comparable so well. 
mental or physical swoon seem to sweep thru the best ones.
of which there was one this morning.

oh, that's what rubbery legs is. have I felt that before? perhaps not for as long, if ever.

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vacation/staycation

I'll basically be away from office for the next 7 weeks. egad. that's almost two months.


but don't expect the worst, of me to be dead or anything bad.

and no worries folks if I don't come visiting. 

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linkage

oh my

http://www.youtube.com/user/WilliamShatner 
Jenna Jameson on Shatner's Sexiness


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Draw a House

http://www.drawahouse.com/TakeTheTest

The capture is small. The front edge has a pond with a cardinal and 2 blue flowers between the paths. I'm on the yellow mat in front of the house. And those are bushes not green sheep. 

Based on your drawing and the 10 answers you gave this is a summary of your personality:

You are sensitive and indecisive at times. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You are shy and reserved. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. Your life is always full of changes. 


You will avoid being alone and seek the company of others whenever possible. You love excitement and create it wherever you go. You see the world as it is, not as you believe it should be. 


You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. We also see that you are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. You don't think much about yourself.


http://www.drawahouse.com/TakeTheTest/

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I'm slow on the draw

8 years ago a female friend, married 40 years dropped the info that she'd never really liked guys but she didn't get how two women can have sex without a youknow. She asked me to explain how that worked. I tripped over myself backing away, probably said something incoherent in mumble. She cycled back a few weeks later with the same question and asked if maybe I could rent her lesbian porn so she would understand. I told her she could get some herself. She said she was too shy but I could do it, get any kind I liked. I didn't answer but a few days later gave her a book. I get it now.  Dang. I think she might have already been aware of how that concept worked. She was propositioning me wasn't she?

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I find myself funny

when I don't find my own absentmindedness a source of comic dispair.


so, brushing my teeth I realized I urgently still needed to pee. upon peeing realized there was no toilet paper and none within reach. the tap was within reach however. fine, a DIY bidet. except partway I realized I had put toothpaste as much on my finger as brush and was now extra minty fresh. 

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unconscious mutterings

week 336: http://subliminal.lunanina.com/


  1. Independence :: sway
  2. Meltdown :: moment
  3. Vulture :: funeral
  4. Hope :: springs
  5. Float ::  your boat
  6. Hole :: pi
  7. Trespass :: against us
  8. Moving :: on over
  9. Extinct :: mammal
  10. Alligator :: shoes


join in if you like

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